This is a big moment. 

You’ve probably seen dozens of reels with women telling their boyfriend or husband they’re pregnant with a polaroid, a cake, a onesie, or some other cute announcement. But those are for the couples who planned their pregnancy, right? 

What do you do when this pregnancy wasn’t part of the plan—when it feels more like an emergency than a blessing?

Often, the first person a woman will tell about her unexpected pregnancy is the father of her baby. That’s probably not surprising–after all, next to her, he is the most involved in this situation.

Although you may feel the urge to tell him immediately, let’s take a moment to review some helpful tips on how to approach the conversation.

Figure Out How You Feel First 

It’s easy to be influenced by the opinions of those around us, especially people who are close to us. You might feel the urge to confide in a friend or immediately tell the father of the baby. While he does have a right to know and you won’t know how he feels until you share the news, it’s crucial to first process your own emotions. Before talking to anyone, take some time to reflect on how you truly feel about the pregnancy. If you’re a visual processor, try journaling or using the Notes app on your phone. You can even send yourself a voice message to capture your thoughts and feelings. The key is to get those emotions out of your head. Whatever comes to mind, just let it flow.

If you find yourself leaning one way or another about how you’d ideally handle the pregnancy, take some time to write down your thoughts. It’s important to have a sense of what you want before discussing it with him, so that when you do, you can consider his perspective without it overshadowing your own. This will allow you to approach the conversation with clarity and openness, balancing both your feelings and his.

What Do You Expect From Him?

It’s essential to know your expectations AND communicate them. 

Depending on the status and health of your relationship, expectations might vary. Still, consider: 

• Do you want him to express his sincere opinion in the decision-making process? (In other words, do you want him to help you decide or not?) 
• What levels of support do you want and expect from him for this pregnancy, if you decide to have the baby?
• Do you want him to help you tell others about the pregnancy? 

Consider these questions, and offer him clarity on what you expect. Be honest. If he says something like, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say,” and you’re secretly hoping that he’ll say, “I’ll do whatever it takes to support you and our baby,” tell him. Be brave! Whatever happens, you can be proud of yourself for telling the truth. 

If he’s not a safe person to communicate openly with, you might want to tell someone you trust before you tell him. If you expect him to react coercively or abusively, strongly consider what is necessary for your own safety and prioritize that.

When you do tell him, your partner might not know how to react or what to say. If you felt overwhelmed when you found out, chances are, he will too. It’s important to make space for that. You might say something like, “I know this news might be overwhelming for you, and I’m telling you because I believe you’re an important part of this. If you need a few minutes to process, I’m happy to give you that space. But I also need your support, because I’m feeling overwhelmed too. Please take some time to think about how you can best support me as you process this.” This way, you’re acknowledging his need for space while also making it clear that your emotions and support are equally important.

If he comes back with a very self-centered, apathetic, or coercive response, you should consider how involved you want him to be with your decision-making process and pregnancy in general. If he doesn’t treat you with love and respect, then you definitely should not be making decisions just to please him. You need to make the best decision FOR YOU and your family. 

For example, if he pressures you to have an abortion in order for him to stay with you, that’s a big red flag. You want to make decisions from an empowered place, not a manipulated one. Seek outside help and support. You might just need to hear the words, “You can do this with or without him!” If that’s what you need, we can do that for you. Our Clearway nurses and advocates are available. Chat with us today and receive emotional support at this difficult time. 

How Do I Tell Him?

If you managed to hold back from telling him the very second you found out, here are a few tips for how and when to tell your partner about an unplanned pregnancy: 

• If possible, it’s best to share the news in person. If that’s not an option, try FaceTime or a phone call instead of texting. Texting makes it hard to gauge how the other person is reacting, and while phone or video calls offer more connection, these modes still don’t compare to being face to face. Plus, they make it easier for someone to step away from the conversation if they’re feeling uncomfortable, leaving both of you unable to truly talk things through. 
• Be intentional about choosing where you will talk. The location should be private enough that you can speak freely about your feelings, even if that means just sitting in your car. 
• If you feel uncomfortable telling him alone, bring a safe person with you. A friend or a relative–anyone who can hold your hand, have your back, and be there for you.

What If He Leaves?

Oh, sweet girl. If he leaves because you share this news with him, we’re so sorry. You deserve so much better. Your baby does too. 

Be brave. It may sound simple, but we know it can be one of the hardest things to do. Still, if you approached the conversation with sincerity and made an effort to involve him, you have every reason to be proud of yourself. How he responds says nothing about your worth.

Your identity, value, and worth are unchanging. NOTHING can alter the fact that you are precious and irreplaceable!

However the conversation ends, stand firm in the knowledge that you did your best, and that’s all you can control. If you do not get support from him, you will need to lean on a wider support system. That could include friends, family, or Clearway. We know that it takes a village! Though the father of the baby is important, he is not everything. You are strong enough, brave enough, and loved enough to make it without him.

What If He Says Everything I Don’t Want to Hear? 

Maybe he’ll say the wrong thing. Maybe he’ll say nothing. The vast majority of the time, our first reaction isn’t our best one. 

If he reacts poorly, tell him you’re going to give him time to process and come back to him. You can be honest that you did not appreciate his reaction, but that you want to give him a chance to come back with a clearer response. In the meantime, lean on your other supports. If you pause and come back together and still find yourselves on very different pages, seek external counsel and support from older, wiser people who care about you. 

If you still can’t come to an agreement, consider what your relationship should look like from this point forward. 

Still, let’s hope for the best! It’s also possible that he will react better than you did. He might provide unconditional love and support at the time you need it most. Try to enter the conversation with positive expectations as much as possible. 

Call him to a higher standard. For example, you could say, “I know you’re a good man and will show up for me. That’s why I felt I could tell you. Once you’ve processed, let me know what you’re thinking in terms of supporting me. I believe you could be a great dad.” This might not be easy to say, but there is life in your words! 

Moving Forward Together

Let’s say you talk about it and decide to make this pregnancy decision together. First of all, congratulations! That’s a great step forward in communication and teamwork. 

Now, it’s time to consider your options (adoption, abortion, parenting). Schedule an appointment at Clearway to get started. You’ll receive up-to-date information on all your pregnancy options (abortion, adoption, and parenting), fact sheets regarding possible pregnancy outcomes (miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy), emotional support, and a resource referral list. We also provide you with a free pregnancy test, STI test, and ultrasound! 

You can also talk to people who’ve been through a similar situation before. If you know someone who has been there, ask them what they chose, and how they felt and feel now about the decision they made. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, we have plenty of Clearway staff willing and available. In the meantime, read Jessie’s Story of teen pregnancy. While she lacked support from the father of her baby, she had a community rally around her, turning her surprise pregnancy into a beautiful blessing. 

Whatever your relationship status, we’re here for you! Schedule a free Clearway consultation today.