Many people are raised to believe that getting unexpectedly pregnant is the worst possible thing that can happen. “Don’t ruin your life,” people say. Finish school first, get your finances in order, get married, wait a few years, and then have kids. No surprises–stick to the plan. 

Some might also grow up with the pressures to break familial cycles of teen pregnancy and single motherhood. You may have experienced or seen women whose futures, at first glance, appear to have been rerouted by an unplanned pregnancy. They might have faced financial hardships, remained in unstable relationships, stopped pursuing their education… If this is part of your family story and you are facing an unplanned pregnancy, these may all be things you don’t want for your future. You were supposed to be the one who broke the cycle and made it out.

Before anything, hear us when we say that you are absolutely not alone.

Smart girls get pregnant. Goal-oriented girls get pregnant. Good girls get pregnant. Strong girls get pregnant. Your identity does not depend on whether or not you experience an unplanned pregnancy in your lifetime. 

An unexpected pregnancy does not determine who you are meant to be in this world. 

You are an overcomer! Do you believe that? Maybe not yet, but you will. You will overcome this moment, and you will see a strength and resilience within yourself that you didn’t know you had. 

You might find it hard to think you will make it out of this situation stronger. The emotions you are feeling are real, and you need tools to help manage them properly, especially as you navigate this pregnancy decision. You want to make sure you’re making a decision from the healthiest place possible. Let’s work through some ways you can process the emotions of an unexpected pregnancy in a healthy way.

Accept the Things You Cannot Change

You are pregnant. 

It’s natural to feel inclined to deny it. Me? Pregnant? There’s no way.

But acceptance is the first step towards emotional health at this moment. You are pregnant, and whatever pregnancy decision you make, you will never not have been pregnant at this time. 

Does that make it easy? No! Not at all. But it’s the reality you have in front of you, and you cannot begin to process the pregnancy until you accept it. 

If you’re having trouble with acceptance, maybe say it out loud or write it in your journal: “I am pregnant.” Getting the thought outside your head is the first step. Even better, “I am pregnant, and I am going to be okay.”

If you have a safe person you can tell, share with them. Let it be real for a moment. Receive their love and support. 

Make a List of What You Can & Can’t Control

This is a great practice for any circumstance that causes you anxiety or feels entirely out of your hands. First, determine what you can control and focus your energy on taking some positive steps to change or improve the things you can.  Regarding things out of your control, start by reacting in as healthy a manner as possible. 

For example, what can’t you control? The fact that you’re already pregnant. What can you control? How you choose to take care of your pregnant body at this time. Eat well, take prenatal vitamins, don’t drink alcohol or use drugs. Start by getting some much needed information about your pregnancy, you can make an appointment with your doctor or schedule a free confirmation ultrasound to determine how far along you are. Treat your body with love and respect–it’s the only body you have! 

One big thing you can’t control is how people choose to respond to the news that you are pregnant, if or when they find out. What you can control, however, is how you react to them. If you have safe people in your life, tell them first. Let them help you with any other people you need to tell. If you expect someone to react poorly, practice ahead of time what you will communicate and how. Prepare an exit strategy if necessary, and have a support person there if possible. 

Can you control how the father of the baby will react or if he chooses to stay or to leave? No, you can’t. But you can hold standards of how you deserve to be treated. Just like you, he will need time to process this new, life-changing information. Make a plan to communicate with him, and if the situation escalates or is unhealthy or unsafe, you can take steps to protect yourself and your child. This may mean finding a maternity home, moving back with family, ending a relationship, or setting new boundaries. (If you find yourself in an unsafe situation, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for more support.) 

Another example, you might not be able to control the financial situation you were in when you got pregnant. However, now that you are pregnant, you can seek out resources, grants, work opportunities, health insurance, and so on as you need and are able. Research shows that as many as 60% of women with a history of abortion reported they would have preferred to give birth if they had received either more emotional support or had more financial security. If you’re facing unplanned pregnancy, you have options beyond abortion. Our communities are resource-rich and have support for you. Talk to your Clearway advocate for help getting started as you look for resources. 

Unintended Pregnancy: Choosing Growth Over Shame

Maybe you feel some sense of shame regarding your pregnancy. Shame has the power to keep us stuck. Shame can lead you to believe, “You messed up, and now this mistake is who you are.” Shame doesn’t let us admit, “I made a mistake,” and move on. It traps us in that mistake. Shame can make you think, “I messed up, and now this is who I am.”

You don’t have to submit to shame. Shame can lead us to make further mistakes and decisions we regret in our attempts to hide. Shame can hold us back from growing in wisdom, from learning the lessons our mistakes could teach us if we let them.

Instead of sitting in your shame, accept your reality and learn from it. You might feel that the choices you made that led you to become pregnant were mistakes, and you might be right.  

If that’s the case, just acknowledge it. “I didn’t make the right choices.” 

Then, accept it. “I cannot go back and change what happened, but this is where I am now.” 

You can overcome shameful emotions as you look at what you can do moving forward. You can say to yourself, “How can this situation help me grow?” 

Consider the type of person you want to be. What kind of character do you want to have? What qualities do you value? How does this pregnancy give you the chance to walk in those qualities? 

Maybe you value resilience. How can you show yourself as resilient in the face of unplanned pregnancy? Maybe you value hope and optimism. What is bright in your future, even with this new surprise added in? In fact, maybe start to think, what good could this surprise pregnancy add to your life?

These practices are not easy! They’re not easy at all. It might be easier to let yourself spiral. But just because this unplanned pregnancy is hard, doesn’t mean good things can’t come from it.  

It’s common to think good things are only things that feel good. But in reality, anything can be a good thing if it makes us better. Sometimes the hardest things in life are the things that grow us the most.  As you pass through this time in your life, seek support from people who will uplift you, empower you, and encourage you. If you can’t think of one person in your life who would do that, we are here to do that for you. 

This unplanned pregnancy might actually be an opportunity to step more fully into your identity, your future. You are braver than you believe and stronger than you think! 

Schedule an appointment at Clearway Clinic and receive free pregnancy confirmation medical services, options information (including education on abortion, adoption, and parenting options), non-judgmental support, and a safe space to learn about your options. You are not alone.