Surprise pregnancies are an adventure, to say the least! While many of us try to plan a pregnancy for the “perfect time,” life doesn’t always work out that way. Facing an unexpected pregnancy can feel overwhelming, as it forces us to confront major decisions about the future. What should we do? What should I do?
Oftentimes, one of the first people women will tell about the pregnancy is the baby’s father. This makes sense; as this pregnancy wouldn’t have happened without him.
With any significant decision, it’s always comforting to receive support and advice from the people who care about you the most. You may feel like he is someone who cares about you; or you may not. However he factors into your life, it’s an important conversation to have. The more tools you have to work through that conversation, the better.
So whether you recently became pregnant or your partner did, you’ve come to the right place. We will help you walk through some tools for the decision-making process and how to navigate this moment together.
Welcoming Your Partner Into The Decision
Your partner could express a wide range of reactions to this pregnancy, but know this: he is capable of contributing to a healthy pregnancy and a well-cared-for child.
Growing research shows that even before pregnancy occurs, men’s health and lifestyle choices profoundly impact pregnancy and neonatal outcomes. Additional research shows that male involvement during pregnancy is associated with a reduced risk for postpartum depression and improved utilization of maternal health services.
We know and recognize that many women find themselves in a situation where a male partner is unwilling or unable to be involved. Does that mean you cannot do this without him? Of course not! Your support network can be expansive, creative, and sufficient without a partner’s involvement. Everybody’s “village” looks different, and that’s okay. Family, friends, churches, support groups for single moms, and community organizations all can help you build your village. Even so, if your baby’s father is involved, he’s entirely capable of being a blessing to you and the baby. His support can contribute to you having a healthy, happy pregnancy, and he can help you raise a healthy, happy child.
But how do you get him involved in the decision in the best possible way?
This pregnancy might have shocked him just as much as it did you. Prepare yourself that his first reaction may not be his best. (Remember when you found out. Was your first reaction your best one? Potentially not. Try to have grace for yourself and for him as you process through this.) Generally speaking, his response could fall into one of three categories. Let’s go through each one and see some options for how to navigate them.
Response Option #1: “It’s your choice. I’ll support whatever you want to do.”
Have you heard a guy say this before?
When it comes to unplanned pregnancy, many men take this approach. A lot of guys have heard slogans such as “my body, my choice” and “no uterus, no opinion,” and taken them to heart. Legally, no one can make an abortion decision except the person receiving an abortion. Therefore, many men assume the best way they can be supportive is to keep their opinion to themselves.
While often well-intentioned, this response tends to put all the pressure of the decision on you. He might not realize he’s done this. He might truly be trying to help, but this approach is actually not very helpful at all. It can make you feel alienated and alone in this decision.
If you feel conflicted about his response, let him know that you appreciate his support, but let him know there’s an even better way he could support you. Explain that you want to invite him into this decision, that this is his pregnancy too. You don’t want to feel like the weight of the decision and its consequences are entirely on your shoulders.
You should not have to guess if he wants you to continue the pregnancy or not. If it’s true for you, tell him, “What I really need to hear is that if I want to have this baby, you’ll be there for me. You’ll make sure I’m okay. I won’t be alone.”
Give him the benefit of the doubt–if he truly wants to support you, that is such good news! The two of you can work together through this decision.
Response Option #2: “I want you to have an abortion.”
It’s possible your partner will feel strongly that he does not want you to continue this pregnancy. He might not feel ready to be a dad, or he may have concerns about finances, stability, education, the relationship, or something else. If you feel differently than he does, he might not know that, or he might be prioritizing his feelings in the heat of the moment.
In a 2023 study, 24% of women described their abortion experience as coerced or unwanted. Tragically, it’s common for women to feel pressured by their partners or family members to have an unwanted abortion. This can lead to deep emotional pain and trauma down the road.
If your partner is pressuring you to have an unwanted abortion, you have options. Try to tell him how you really feel and consider reaching out to us for resources that you can share with him. You are brave! Remember, as much pressure as you might feel in the moment, you are perfectly within your rights to tell him, “No. I want to have this baby. Are you going to help me or not? Because either way, I’m having this baby.” No one can coerce you into an abortion.
If you fear him leaving, reach out to us for resources. We can connect you to support groups, maternity housing, churches, and more to build up your “village.” If you fear he will hurt you, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233. You deserve to feel safe, protected, and loved. If your partner is unsafe, seek immediate help and support.
Response Option #3: “I want us to have this baby.”
On the other hand, he might feel more certain than you do about this pregnancy. He may be urging you to continue, while you’re the one considering abortion. If he or other partners have failed you in the past, you might not feel confident that he will consistently show up for you in the ways you need. Other circumstances might create a whole list of reasons why you don’t feel empowered to do this right now.
Once again, we recommend being honest. Share your fears and hopes. Tell him why you’re unsure. Listen to his perspective too. Consider giving him clear, concrete ways that he can support you. Have him attend your appointments with you, starting with your Clearway appointment.
A supportive partner is an immeasurable blessing in an unplanned pregnancy. Who knows? This might turn out to be one of the best surprise gifts you’ve ever received.
Considering Your Options Together
When considering your pregnancy options, the best thing to do is to be informed.
When considering abortion, you should understand the physical and emotional risks. In a recent blog, we discussed the abortion pill more in depth. Before any abortion procedure, it is very important to have the pregnancy confirmed and gestational age measured. Schedule a free ultrasound with us so we can support you in this way.
When it comes to adoption, many people never pause to consider this option. It’s good to be informed, even if you don’t think it’s the best option for you. Adoption can be a brave, loving choice. Contact us to learn more about licensed adoption agencies in our state, and visit Brave Love to hear true, uplifting adoption stories.
When discussing parenting, neither of you may feel ready to take that on, especially if your parents weren’t there for you the ways you wanted. Honestly, no one feels entirely ready to be a parent. The unknown is scary. There is not one perfect parent out there. Every parent has made mistakes, but loving and nurturing a child is invaluable, especially when both parents can be involved in their lives. If you desire to be a good role model for your child, that’s the best place to start! You can do it, and there’s a lot of support to help you. Reach out to learn more about parenting classes, mentorship opportunities, and support groups for new parents. You don’t have to do this alone.
Through it all, try to prioritize kindness, patience, and honesty as you make this decision together. If you need support, we’re here for you!
Schedule your free ultrasound and resource appointment today.
Please Note: We do not provide, prescribe, or refer for abortion.
