“Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant! You’ll ruin your life.” 

Have you ever heard someone say those words about unplanned pregnancy– “It’ll ruin your life”? That’s a big claim. Is it true?

Pregnancy, planned or unplanned, is life-changing. No doubt about that. The question is, does it have to have been planned for it to be good?

Let’s imagine another way of talking about unplanned pregnancy, just for the extent of this blog. Let’s imagine it as an adventure. Unexpected? Challenging? Full of surprises? Yes, all of the above. Rewarding? Empowering? Achievable? What if we could say yes to these too? 

Let’s imagine together. (Get a pen and paper if you want to use some of the journaling prompts provided throughout!) 

What Kind of Adventure Is This??

Adventures are supposed to be fun–but this does not feel fun, at all! If a positive pregnancy test recently shocked you, an exciting adventure might be the furthest thing from your mind. You may imagine morning sickness, doctor appointments, medical bills, single motherhood, judgey comments, stretch marks, and swollen feet. What about that is fun?? 

It’s okay if you’re feeling a mix of emotions, and it’s also okay if most of them are negative. Your emotions are real, and they’re allowed to come on this adventure with you. 

Still, what is an adventure? To quote one single mom, “Adventure is putting yourself in situations you don’t have control over. Motherhood, for example, is very adventurous because you have no control. You’re letting go of the reins and adapting and finding joy in those moments… I think to be a resilient adventurer, you really have to learn how to adapt and how to find some humor and some beauty.”

Adventure is, by nature, unexpected. 

A lot of us are big planners. We plan our days, weeks, and years. We like to control circumstances and conversations. We avoid chatty strangers. We use Google Maps to follow the fastest route to our destination. We sit with our friends and carefully craft text messages so there’s no chance we say the wrong thing. We avoid phone calls like the plague. Any opportunity for unpredictability is not welcome. 

All these things give a sense of control, which in turn makes us feel secure.

But are we really secure? Are we really so perfectly skilled at planning our own lives that nothing can come and throw us for a loop? 

In reality, factors will always come up that we didn’t expect. We might be able to predict the weather, but we still can’t control it. We can run into someone we don’t like, or we can meet the love of our life at a time we least expect it. We can lose a job or win the lottery. 

Unpredictability is scary, but it can also be exciting. 

Amber became a single mom at 18, during her freshman year of college. While she struggled with her decision to have her baby, she ended up embracing the new addition to her life path. She said, “I changed my major in school 4 times… I’ve had different jobs to make ends meet, and I stayed up late at night studying. I have also gone through many journals replanning my ‘final’ plans. But through it all, I am proud to say, I focused on remembering that I deserve happiness to fulfill my dreams—even if I was a mom, and even if my dreams changed. 

I still plan everything I do; however, I am more flexible now. I understand that life really does throw curveballs. I understand that plans are not set in stone, they can be tentative. I understand that plans can guide you and set you on a specific course, but they do not define the outcome. You can deviate from your trajectory when life throws you curveballs. In order to be a good planner, you have to adapt to your constantly changing surroundings. What is the point in planning if life goes exactly as you want it? I learned as a serious planner that in order to live a calm, happy life that I need to adapt to my surroundings. I have to bend as life changes and edit my plans. I can promise you one thing: Being a mother unexpectedly is worth the change in plans.” 

What if it’s better when everything doesn’t go to plan?

Of course, plans are good. It’s wise to have goals and strive towards them. But life is about balance, and ultimately, more of our life is out of our control than in it. 

When it comes to an unexpected pregnancy, we can’t pretend it will be easy. It won’t be. But who convinced us that good things are easy? Often, some of the best things in life are the hardest ones too. 

Do you know anyone who was the first in their family to graduate from college? Most likely, it was a battle every day to get to the finish line. But in the end, what they accomplished was GOOD. 

Do you know anyone who has overcome addiction? That’s one of the hardest things a person can endure, but the results are SO good. 

What about building your own business, running a marathon, or writing a book? Those are all massive accomplishments, and guess what? They’re also all super hard! 

Raising a child (alone or with a partner) is a monumental task. You can read every parenting book and take a dozen classes and still, when that moment comes, you’ll still have times when you feel entirely lost. Even so, it can also be good. It’s an adventure, and it’s one you get to go on together with your child. 

Overcoming obstacles is what defines an adventure. Adventures reveal an inner strength that you might not know you have. Challenges refine that strength so that it increases. Imagine your pregnancy as something that could make you better, improve your life. What would that look like? 

Journaling Prompt: Write down the challenges connected to your pregnancy. For each challenge, write down how you would respond to it out of fear, and how you would respond to it out of strength. If you know someone who’s overcome a similar challenge, write their name down and reach out to them later. .

Walking in the Adventure

What does it mean to face your unplanned pregnancy like an adventure?

For starters, adventurers lean towards seeing the good in the challenges we face. If you’re naturally pessimistic, don’t worry. This is a cultivated skill set, not an innate talent. 

This doesn’t have to be a pithy, “Look on the bright side!” response to hardship. You can acknowledge something is super hard, but still say, “What can this teach me? How could it turn out for good?” 

For example, you might fear losing your relationship with the baby’s father if you continue this pregnancy. That is incredibly hard, and nothing to be diminished. You should never have to question if your child will know their father.  

As hard as that circumstance is, remind yourself that this is YOUR baby too. His actions don’t have to define anything about your relationship with your child. Think about your support system, your community. Who are the men and women you anticipate could be powerful role models for your child? How can you invite them into your journey? What your child may lack from their biological father, they can receive from loving adults and extended or chosen family. 

Does that take away the loss of your child not having their dad in their life? No, it doesn’t. That loss is real. But you don’t have to give him the power to rob you of the joy of growing your family, albeit in an unexpected way. Think about what YOU want for your life 5, 10, 15 years from now. Walk towards that. 

Challenges produce endurance. That doesn’t mean breaking your back doing everything alone. It just means the community you lean on to help you along the way might not look exactly like you planned. Even so, it just might end up being beautiful.

Journaling Prompt: Look at the challenges you wrote down. Where can you see good that could come from them? What ways could they help you become the person you aspire to be? 

The Adventure Continues!

Choosing to continue your unplanned journey takes a lot of courage. You are so brave! 

Even after the initial shock of it passes and you make your pregnancy decision, moving forward is still an adventure. Remember, perspective is everything. 

Practice gratitude. Gratitude has mental and emotional health benefits, even as you go through a hard time. 

Journaling Prompt: What are you thankful for? Who are you thankful for? Can you name 10 blessings that are still present in this hard time? 

Research and receive support. There are so many organizations to support you through this pregnancy! Don’t be afraid to use every resource you can get your hands on. 

In a past blog, we outlined more than a dozen resources in Massachusetts alone that exist to meet a variety of needs. You can also check out our Pregnancy Resources page or call to schedule a resources appointment with a patient advocate. We can also offer education and references if you’re considering adoption. Adoption may not be an easy choice, but it’s a brave and loving one. You are not alone! Whether you need financial, emotional, or relational support, you have options. 

Journaling Prompt: What are your top 3 most pressing needs? What circumstances would you like to see improve in your life? (For example, finances, housing, employment, education, transportation, spiritual health, mental health, physical health, relationships, etc.) 

Be proud of your story! Maybe things aren’t going as you imagined, but you are strong and you are brave. Your life is not defined by whether or not you have ever experienced an unplanned pregnancy. Your success and your dreams are not determined by your pregnancy journey. As you overcome obstacles, you’ll become even more equipped to accomplish your dreams and more. 

We are here to support you and empower you. 

That starts with our free medical services: pregnancy testing, STI testing, and ultrasound. These pregnancy confirmation services set you up with the information you need to make an informed pregnancy decision and/or start your prenatal care journey. And best of all, they’re completely free! No matter your financial situation, insurance status, age, or immigration status, our services are available to you. 

Beyond our medical services, we also offer support accessing the resources you need to empower you in your pregnancy. We offer free prenatal education classes every month in Springfield and Worcester and grief support groups in Worcester for pregnancy loss. 

If you choose abortion, or if you have chosen abortion in the past, we are here for you. We offer after-abortion emotional support through our ClearPast program. This includes monthly virtual support groups and long-term healing programs (for women and men). If you experience conflicting emotions about your abortion(s), you are not alone. It’s okay to talk about it; it’s okay to grieve. 

We’re here for you as you make your pregnancy decision, and we’re also here for you regardless of the decision you’ve already made. 

You are not alone!

For pregnancy confirmation services, schedule your appointment today.