The holidays are supposed to be full of joy, celebration, and family. “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!” Right? 

What do you do when you’re grieving in secret during the holidays? When everyone expects joy, but you’re struggling to keep it hidden?

Grief comes in so many different forms, for so many different reasons. Many people are grieving loved ones who are not at the dinner table this year. Maybe they are grieving a job loss or a scary health diagnosis. These types of grief are visible and things that can be openly discussed, and usually, people offer their condolences and support. 

But what about the types of grief that society doesn’t make much space for? Miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, and even abortion? The term “disenfranchised grief” refers to any type of grief that lacks social validation and norms by which to process the grief. It’s when people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. And you’re left feeling isolated and unseen. 

Disenfranchised grief is painful at any time of year, but the holidays can magnify it. Family gatherings are often full of questions like, “Are you dating anyone?”, “When’s the wedding?”, or even, “When are you going to have kids?” 

These types of questions can inadvertently magnify the pain of a break up, a pregnancy loss, or an abortion. If you answer honestly, it might get awkward. So instead you say, “Oh, you know. When the time is right.” 

You cannot control what other people say, but you can prepare yourself to handle it as best as possible. Let’s go through some tools for navigating the holidays after you have had an abortion. 

Navigating the Holidays After Abortion 

Abortion is an emotionally complex experience. Grief and relief can coexist. “What if’s” can linger in the mind, even for women who feel adamant they made the right choice. During the holidays, certain social situations can highlight these challenges.  

For example, a common symptom of abortion grief is having a hard time being around babies or children, especially if they are around the age that their own child would have been. As families come together during the holidays, it may touch on this specific trigger. It’s not anyone’s fault, but it can be triggering nonetheless. 

Another common social situation, though well-intentioned, can also trigger emotional reactions: the questions people ask. Even something as simple as, “How’s life been lately?” can stir up a whirlwind of emotions you’re not ready to face—or answer honestly.

If you’re heading to a family event this holiday season, it’s helpful to anticipate some of the common questions that are likely to come up. For example:

“So, how’s work going?”

“Have you met anyone new this year?”

“What’s been the highlight of your year?”

“Any exciting plans for the holidays?”

By preparing for these kinds of questions, you can steer the conversation in a direction that feels more manageable and positive before it even begins.

Handling Stress During the Holidays 

In general, the holidays are a more challenging time for mental health. 

41% of Americans report increased stress during the holiday season, which can in turn affect mental health and wellness. For those experiencing anxiety or depression during the holiday season, the increased festivities can magnify an already existing sense of joylessness. 

The holidays are busy, loud, and often expensive. Many people feel increased financial stresses and time constraints, which can bring out the worst in us. 

Pay attention to your body. Are you eating well? Sleeping enough? Gaining or losing weight abnormally? Are you super irritable? Frustrated all the time? Missing your period? 

Stress can do wild things to our bodies. If you’re seeing signs that you’re overly stressed, don’t ignore them. Sit down and think of a few things you can say “no” to. If it helps, write down the boundaries you need to set. Even if you only come up with one or two things, that’s a good start. 

Abortion grief can increase the challenge of coping with holiday stress. If you’re already grieving, adding stress on top of that can push your emotions to a near breaking point. Take time to process, cry, and talk to safe people. We have staff at Clearway ready and available to talk to you any weekday. You’re not alone. 

Communicate Your Needs

While you don’t have to tell everyone all your business, it’s virtually impossible to set boundaries without communicating them. Especially for the people who know you’ve recently experienced abortion or pregnancy loss, tell them what you need or when you need space. Tell them when you need a break. Ask the people closest to you if there’s anything they can take off your plate. You don’t have to be a superwoman or superman this time of year–just try to be okay. That’s enough. 

You can also set emotional boundaries. It’s as simple as saying, “You know, I don’t love this topic. I’d rather talk about something else.” If that feels too blunt for you, maybe instead suggest a new topic. “What shows have you been watching these days?” If the person chooses not to respect that, walk away. You know how much you can and can’t handle.  

How to Support a Loved One Who’s Grieving 

If someone close to you is experiencing grief or sadness and trusted you enough to tell you about it, then it’s very important to acknowledge and thank them for feeling comfortable enough to share. Do not ignore the situation, even if it feels awkward. Let them know whatever they’re feeling is okay, and you are there if they need a shoulder to cry on.  If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay too, let them know that and that you are also there for them, whatever they need.  

If you can, try to relieve some of the pressure they may be facing. If that means letting them know it’s okay to skip a few events or not host this year, tell them. If it means buying some gifts for their kids to lessen their burden, do it. People will not forget the love you show when needed the most. This will be a precious treasure to them. 

Lastly, you can also encourage them to get support. 

At Clearway, we have many support options for after abortion grief and pregnancy loss. These include free support groups for anyone suffering from abortion grief (virtual) or pregnancy loss grief (in-person), as well as short-term abortion healing programs for men and women. 

Contact clearpast@clearwayclinic.com or chat with us today to learn more.

For a pregnancy confirmation and/or resource appointment, schedule with us today.