October is Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. As we remember and honor those who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death, we interviewed 2 women who had experienced stillbirth with their husbands. Here are their responses to our questions. 

A stillbirth is the death of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy, or when the baby is born without showing signs of life. While many stillbirths happen for unknown reasons, some known causes include preeclampsia, birth defects, infections, and complications with the placenta, among others.

What was the most challenging part of experiencing stillbirth as a couple?

Alice: The most challenging part is that we grieve so differently. In the moment and in the initial weeks, my husband was right there. But after the first few weeks, it became clear that we were grieving the stillbirth very differently. I would look at him and think, ‘You’re not grieving,’ and he would look at me and think, ‘Get over it.’

It was not a good time for us. And it took a long time for a good time to come again. We lost our baby girl in March and I got pregnant again almost a year later. Things didn’t really start to turn around until our baby was born.

Janine: The most challenging thing was that we both processed it differently. He felt like there was nothing he could do for me because I would cry every single day. It felt painful for me just to be alive. It made us drift apart. He was grieving too, but so differently and he didn’t know how to help me. He drowned himself at work. As weeks and months passed, his needs weren’t getting met. I wasn’t focused on him at all. That’s the closest we’ve ever been to divorce.

If you can get through it together, however you both process it, it will eventually bring you closer. Now when we talk about it, it’s comforting and easy. It’s been years and sometimes I look at our children and I still feel like one is missing. I told my husband that recently and he said he had no idea I was still feeling like that. It’s really different for men and women. 

What was the most helpful after?

Alice: The love and support from family and friends. Flowers, cards, cookies – anything that let us know we weren’t alone. I felt held by their love and support. It still helps when people reach out with a text or card every year on her birthday.

 I also found a therapist that specializes in stillbirth. I kept going for a while even after my next child was born. We also went to couples therapy. We told the therapist the story together, crying and holding hands. That felt very good. It was very helpful.

Janine: I think going through it helped to shape me as a mother. It reminded us how precious life is. Eventually it made my husband more in touch with my emotions and helped us communicate with each other. It helped us become much stronger as a couple. We know we’ve gone through the hardest thing possible as a couple and if we stayed married through that we know we can get through anything. 

We got a puppy, that helped. Being with family helped. Hiking with my aunt. Being with people who loved me and who I could talk honestly to. Being around other moms – I didn’t want to see little babies—but other moms understood how great the loss was. Talking about it a lot helped.

What help would you like to have had?

Janine: The person at the hospital was not good. They should have had a counselor there. Someone who was trained and comfortable with this. They should have had someone who was equipped to talk to me.

What do you know now that you wish you had known then?

Alice: I wish I’d known that everything would turn out okay. I wish I’d known how common miscarriage and stillbirth is. I was so focused on getting to the 12-week mark and then the 18-week screen. After that we made it public. I thought we were all clear. I didn’t know it could happen after that time.

Janine: I wish I’d known that this happens to a fair amount of women. Although maybe it’s better not to know, because going through a pregnancy with all that anxiety is really hard. But I thought that once you’re past three months you’re clear. I didn’t know that it is as common as it is. 

What, if any, advice would you have for your “earlier” selves?

Alice: I’d tell myself to trust your instincts. I noticed something that didn’t seem right at my last appointment before she died. Her heartbeat seemed off. I told the nurse, but she brushed me off. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, but I wonder. 

I’d tell myself not to wait so long to have children. I thought I had to get everything perfect before having children. 

Janine: I’d just hug myself and say, “You’re going to be okay. Even though it’s so painful right now, you’re going to have so much love in the future. This isn’t the end.”

How do you honor and remember your child?

Alice: While I was pregnant with my daughter, I had a dream that we were planting a tree for Ana. At that time we were planning to name her a different name, which was Abigail, but in the dream, we were planting a tree for Ana. So when she was stillborn, we knew her name was Ana. We planted a tree in our backyard. Her siblings know that it’s Ana’s tree and we put a bow on it at Christmas. My mother-in-law planted a Hydrangea bush for her and she sends me pictures of it in bloom. 

We did a walk to honor children lost due to miscarriage and stillbirth that our hospital sponsors. It was so cathartic to be with other people who had gone through this. It was beautiful. There is strength in community and that helped. All during the grief process I was getting tons of information. I had learned how many people were going through this and I was reading blogs and looking at websites and my husband had none of that. So when we were at the walk and he saw all these people, he said, “Oh wow. I had no idea.”

We had her cremated and keep her ashes in an urn in our house. I also have a Molly Bear with her name. Molly Bears is a company to support people who have had an infant loss. They make bears the weight of your child at their birth.

Janine:  We had him cremated and keep his ashes in our house. We participated in A Walk to Remember, a gathering of people who have experienced infant loss due to miscarriage or stillbirth. That was so special. It actually happened just before his birthday. They gave us containers of bubbles and we all blew bubbles up to heaven.

Our other children know they have a brother in heaven and sometimes they talk about him on their own. We’ve read many times, The Moon is Always Round, by Jonathan Gibson and Joe Hox. Talking about him is good.

At Clearway, we offer pregnancy loss grief support groups every month for those who have experienced stillbirth and miscarriage. Contact our office to learn more.